Showered with love
It has been an eventful week! This past weekend was packed with friends, family and football, and a surprise bridal shower thrown in my honor at a beautiful cafe outside of Philadelphia! To say I was surprised is an understatement! About 50 family and friends from in and around the Philadelphia area showed up. The shower, which was beautifully hosted by Sean's Bubbe and mother, was held in a back room of the restaurant. There were pink flowers (roses included!) on the tables, pink gift bag favors filled with candles and heart-shaped photo coasters, and a specialty menu with lunch options and my name on the top! We played "gift bingo" while I opened my gifts, some of the girls made me a beautiful "bouquet" of ribbons from the presents, and we dined, laughed, hugged and kissed over delicious meals and a fantastic pink cake!
There are no words to describe how I felt when I walked into the room - what I THOUGHT would be a small family brunch with Sean's family - and saw the entire room was full of people I knew, who were all there just to shower me!
At first I didn't understand what was going on. When I first walked into the room and everyone yelled "surprise!" I saw my mom, grandmother and aunt first, from Northern Virginia, and then looked around the room and thought: "Do I know everyone here?" It was quick a shock and it took a while to sink in. But as soon as I realized all that was for me, I was basically floating with glee. The afternoon was so elegant, so beautiful, so classic. So much had gone into the planning, which was very clear. I was overwhelmed with opening all the gifts. I had three or four other ladies helping me sort and open, including my mom, Sean's mom and my cousin Alison who I hadn't seen in about 7 years, and was THRILLED she was there!
Ribbons and tissue paper were flying around, and I was holding up gifts and posing for pictures, and shouting out the names of each gift-giver, as the rest of the room "ooh-ed" and "ahhh-ed!" I felt like a princess, atop my throne. I felt like a bride-to-be. I felt beautiful and loved and cushioned on pretty, pink delicate clouds.
We all screamed at excitement when gifts were opened from our registry, like table linens, a coffee-maker, fondue set and electric knife. We all breathed in, in awe, when I opened gorgeous Judaica gifts, like a beautiful seder plate, draydel statue, menorah and candle sticks. Each card I opened was beautiful, and all the gift bags had pictures of little wedding dresses or brides. As I opened my gifts with everyone around me, it hit me, again, that I'm getting married. That I'm a bride. That these beautiful gifts are for my upcoming married life with Sean. I was entering a new stage in my life. A happy stage. A happily-forever-after stage.
In that moment, at my shower, nothing else mattered except that I was there with people who loved me, and I was happy and having fun. The news of the past week of my genetic mutation seemed distant.
Letting it sink in
Since I found out about having Li Fraumeni Syndrome last week, I have been slowly and steadily letting the information soak in. I would call it "trickling." There are lots of emotions I have surrounding this news, but instead of seeing it as a huge dark cloud hanging over my head, I see it as a small grey-ish cloud, hanging at the side of my head. Something I can deal with, slowly. Something I can work though. The problem is, I have not even begun to understand how this news will change my life. I cannot even begin to fathom what this will mean for me, and maybe (hopefully not) my family. I can say to myself now: having this syndrome means I will be screened often for cancer. Cancer will always, or at least most of the time, be on my mind. I'll be scared of getting cancer again. I'll be nervous about any and all persisting or weird symptoms. The rest of my life will be filled with talking and thinking about this. Health will always be an issue in my life. I can say those things now, in preparation for what's to come. But I don't think I can grasp, even a teensy bit, of what all this means. How will constantly being screened for cancer affect my life, my well-being, my future? How will I emotionally and mentally handle awaiting the test results of these screenings? How will I handle waiting for results when I KNOW I am prone to cancer. How will I handle always, always, always discussing my health, always meeting with doctors, always worrying about the next step? What effect will all of that have on my quality of life, and how will it affect those around me? Will I always be nervous, anxious, scared, upset, angry at the world? Or will I cope with this in a way that works for me - never letting it away from my mind, but not letting it run my life? Only time will tell. I don't know the answers to those questions, but what I DO know is that I DON'T know how I will handle this, weeks from now and 10 years from now.
What I don't know is how Sean and I will go about having children. What I do know is that I want to have another masctectomy. What I don't know is when. What I don't know is if I can handle going through that surgery again, followed by months of painful expansions, and another surgery. What I don't know is if I can handle NOT having a mastectomy and be constantly worried about getting breast cancer again, especially now that I know I have a mutation. What I don't know is how I will go through life wondering if my cancer days are over, or if I will get hit with it again. What I don't know is how I will manage to live my life without letting this run my life. I believe I can do that, because I'm doing it now. But also, now, we don't have all the pieces to the puzzle. We're awaiting my tissue test, and my mom's testing. We don't know anything about my eggs and if this can be passed on.
So, there is a lot I don't know. I can safely say that. But like I said before, this doesn't change the past. It doesn't change the fact that I've had cancer twice and I always knew that wasn't normal. If I tested negative for this mutation, would I still be worried about getting cancer again, or would I convince myself that these two cancers were a fluke and I'd be fine? What would I really believe? Would I still look for answers? Or would I let this all go?
Now, though, I am excited to be getting back to life, excited for the wedding and all the planning that comes with, and want to really live fully, especially these next few months. I don't know what will happen once we get these next results back - if I'll have to meet with new doctors right away, and start screening right away. I hope not. Actually, I almost refuse to, not in these next few months. All I want to do is live life, without all this, and focus on this wedding we've been planning since February. And I think I have every right to want that. I just went through six months of hell, WHILE planning my wedding. I beat breast cancer WHILE planning my wedding. That stage is over and now I deserve to rest. To focus on the life a normal 26-year-old bride-to-be would. No more doctors or screenings or talk about cancer. I want this moment because I deserve it. I was lucky enough to be able to get through my breast cancer in time to enjoy the remaining part of my wedding planning, and the months leading up to the wedding. I don't want to add anything negative to that list, anything that could possibly create extra stress and anxiety. I had enough of that these past six months. I don't see any reason to add it again, when there's no real emergency, in my mind. I just want to have this moment. Let me have this moment. I will rally for this moment. I shouldn't have to fight for that - peace and happiness four months out from my wedding. But I am and I will.
So right now I'm having this moment. I'm loving this moment. And no matter what has happened these past few months, and what's to happen in the next, nothing - nothing can take away this blissful moment. I won't let it.
There's a weird, yet strong, sense of power that comes from having to pull yourself out of a dark hole when the life you lead is surrounded by light and love. It's like pulling yourself up and out into the world that you created, or that got created because of you. My world of light and love is my fiance, my wedding, my family, friends and wonderful life. It's all there. No matter what. No matter what I go through or what news I receive. My life is all still there. And it will be there. So let me be in it.
It's not like "live each day like it's your first/last"; for me, it's just living and enjoying and loving because those are the things we CAN control. Realizing there are things in life that are bad, and that you cannot control, is hard. And realizing these things have become a part of your life, and are not temporary, also is hard. And I won't say none of this isn't hard. In fact, all of it is. Learning I have a rare genetic mutation. That changes my life. Mostly, in ways I cannot yet comprehend. And it's hard to be 26 and to "deal" with this, especially while I'm planning my wedding. So I'll hold onto, emphasize and spread the good. And that's that I love my life and I always will. We have to create our happiness, and therefore what we want out of life. And I vow to do just that, every single day.
*Shower pictures to be posted in the next entry! So be excited!
It has been an eventful week! This past weekend was packed with friends, family and football, and a surprise bridal shower thrown in my honor at a beautiful cafe outside of Philadelphia! To say I was surprised is an understatement! About 50 family and friends from in and around the Philadelphia area showed up. The shower, which was beautifully hosted by Sean's Bubbe and mother, was held in a back room of the restaurant. There were pink flowers (roses included!) on the tables, pink gift bag favors filled with candles and heart-shaped photo coasters, and a specialty menu with lunch options and my name on the top! We played "gift bingo" while I opened my gifts, some of the girls made me a beautiful "bouquet" of ribbons from the presents, and we dined, laughed, hugged and kissed over delicious meals and a fantastic pink cake!
There are no words to describe how I felt when I walked into the room - what I THOUGHT would be a small family brunch with Sean's family - and saw the entire room was full of people I knew, who were all there just to shower me!
At first I didn't understand what was going on. When I first walked into the room and everyone yelled "surprise!" I saw my mom, grandmother and aunt first, from Northern Virginia, and then looked around the room and thought: "Do I know everyone here?" It was quick a shock and it took a while to sink in. But as soon as I realized all that was for me, I was basically floating with glee. The afternoon was so elegant, so beautiful, so classic. So much had gone into the planning, which was very clear. I was overwhelmed with opening all the gifts. I had three or four other ladies helping me sort and open, including my mom, Sean's mom and my cousin Alison who I hadn't seen in about 7 years, and was THRILLED she was there!
Ribbons and tissue paper were flying around, and I was holding up gifts and posing for pictures, and shouting out the names of each gift-giver, as the rest of the room "ooh-ed" and "ahhh-ed!" I felt like a princess, atop my throne. I felt like a bride-to-be. I felt beautiful and loved and cushioned on pretty, pink delicate clouds.
We all screamed at excitement when gifts were opened from our registry, like table linens, a coffee-maker, fondue set and electric knife. We all breathed in, in awe, when I opened gorgeous Judaica gifts, like a beautiful seder plate, draydel statue, menorah and candle sticks. Each card I opened was beautiful, and all the gift bags had pictures of little wedding dresses or brides. As I opened my gifts with everyone around me, it hit me, again, that I'm getting married. That I'm a bride. That these beautiful gifts are for my upcoming married life with Sean. I was entering a new stage in my life. A happy stage. A happily-forever-after stage.
In that moment, at my shower, nothing else mattered except that I was there with people who loved me, and I was happy and having fun. The news of the past week of my genetic mutation seemed distant.
Letting it sink in
Since I found out about having Li Fraumeni Syndrome last week, I have been slowly and steadily letting the information soak in. I would call it "trickling." There are lots of emotions I have surrounding this news, but instead of seeing it as a huge dark cloud hanging over my head, I see it as a small grey-ish cloud, hanging at the side of my head. Something I can deal with, slowly. Something I can work though. The problem is, I have not even begun to understand how this news will change my life. I cannot even begin to fathom what this will mean for me, and maybe (hopefully not) my family. I can say to myself now: having this syndrome means I will be screened often for cancer. Cancer will always, or at least most of the time, be on my mind. I'll be scared of getting cancer again. I'll be nervous about any and all persisting or weird symptoms. The rest of my life will be filled with talking and thinking about this. Health will always be an issue in my life. I can say those things now, in preparation for what's to come. But I don't think I can grasp, even a teensy bit, of what all this means. How will constantly being screened for cancer affect my life, my well-being, my future? How will I emotionally and mentally handle awaiting the test results of these screenings? How will I handle waiting for results when I KNOW I am prone to cancer. How will I handle always, always, always discussing my health, always meeting with doctors, always worrying about the next step? What effect will all of that have on my quality of life, and how will it affect those around me? Will I always be nervous, anxious, scared, upset, angry at the world? Or will I cope with this in a way that works for me - never letting it away from my mind, but not letting it run my life? Only time will tell. I don't know the answers to those questions, but what I DO know is that I DON'T know how I will handle this, weeks from now and 10 years from now.
What I don't know is how Sean and I will go about having children. What I do know is that I want to have another masctectomy. What I don't know is when. What I don't know is if I can handle going through that surgery again, followed by months of painful expansions, and another surgery. What I don't know is if I can handle NOT having a mastectomy and be constantly worried about getting breast cancer again, especially now that I know I have a mutation. What I don't know is how I will go through life wondering if my cancer days are over, or if I will get hit with it again. What I don't know is how I will manage to live my life without letting this run my life. I believe I can do that, because I'm doing it now. But also, now, we don't have all the pieces to the puzzle. We're awaiting my tissue test, and my mom's testing. We don't know anything about my eggs and if this can be passed on.
So, there is a lot I don't know. I can safely say that. But like I said before, this doesn't change the past. It doesn't change the fact that I've had cancer twice and I always knew that wasn't normal. If I tested negative for this mutation, would I still be worried about getting cancer again, or would I convince myself that these two cancers were a fluke and I'd be fine? What would I really believe? Would I still look for answers? Or would I let this all go?
Now, though, I am excited to be getting back to life, excited for the wedding and all the planning that comes with, and want to really live fully, especially these next few months. I don't know what will happen once we get these next results back - if I'll have to meet with new doctors right away, and start screening right away. I hope not. Actually, I almost refuse to, not in these next few months. All I want to do is live life, without all this, and focus on this wedding we've been planning since February. And I think I have every right to want that. I just went through six months of hell, WHILE planning my wedding. I beat breast cancer WHILE planning my wedding. That stage is over and now I deserve to rest. To focus on the life a normal 26-year-old bride-to-be would. No more doctors or screenings or talk about cancer. I want this moment because I deserve it. I was lucky enough to be able to get through my breast cancer in time to enjoy the remaining part of my wedding planning, and the months leading up to the wedding. I don't want to add anything negative to that list, anything that could possibly create extra stress and anxiety. I had enough of that these past six months. I don't see any reason to add it again, when there's no real emergency, in my mind. I just want to have this moment. Let me have this moment. I will rally for this moment. I shouldn't have to fight for that - peace and happiness four months out from my wedding. But I am and I will.
So right now I'm having this moment. I'm loving this moment. And no matter what has happened these past few months, and what's to happen in the next, nothing - nothing can take away this blissful moment. I won't let it.
There's a weird, yet strong, sense of power that comes from having to pull yourself out of a dark hole when the life you lead is surrounded by light and love. It's like pulling yourself up and out into the world that you created, or that got created because of you. My world of light and love is my fiance, my wedding, my family, friends and wonderful life. It's all there. No matter what. No matter what I go through or what news I receive. My life is all still there. And it will be there. So let me be in it.
It's not like "live each day like it's your first/last"; for me, it's just living and enjoying and loving because those are the things we CAN control. Realizing there are things in life that are bad, and that you cannot control, is hard. And realizing these things have become a part of your life, and are not temporary, also is hard. And I won't say none of this isn't hard. In fact, all of it is. Learning I have a rare genetic mutation. That changes my life. Mostly, in ways I cannot yet comprehend. And it's hard to be 26 and to "deal" with this, especially while I'm planning my wedding. So I'll hold onto, emphasize and spread the good. And that's that I love my life and I always will. We have to create our happiness, and therefore what we want out of life. And I vow to do just that, every single day.
*Shower pictures to be posted in the next entry! So be excited!
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