Am I breathing yet?

I don't think it's sunk in yet that I'm not working. Sure, I'm not GOING to work. I'm not putting on dress pants and kitten heels and driving 45 minutes there and back. I'm not sitting at a desk all day. I have time to sleep, shower, AND exfoliate my skin and condition my hair. And floss.
I've just been wound up, so tightly, for so long, that I think it's going to take time for this all to settle in. That, and I'm still VERY busy. I'm taking care of a puppy, and the pace has significantly picked up in the wedding planning department. Now, all of our RSVPs are in and the seating arrangements are made, with edits forthcoming, I assume. It's REALLY down to last minute details now. Back-and-forth emails, logistics, the programs, placecards. What time is this vendor coming, and what do they need? What room will they store this in, how many of this will we need at the synagogue, etc. The number of tables. Where they'll BE in the reception hall. Pens. Little details. Emails. Times. And for me, I'm gathering things to bring to Sean's parents' house two weeks before the wedding since we'll be in Philadelphia for our friends' wedding. My rehearsal dinner dress, gifts, itineraries, bridesmaid survival kits. All things I've been working on, literally for a year. I'm getting it all together now. And I don't feel rushed and I don't feel stressed. So I probably won't forget anything. I've got lists everywhere. I'm calm. I feel like I actually HAVE time to gather the millions upon millions of things that need to be brought for the wedding.
And I'm still very busy. There's still puppy training, physical therapy, psychiatrist appointments and dress fittings. But now, when I go to those things I'm not coming from a 9-hour work day, 45 minutes away, starving and in excruitiating pain. I'm coming from home. From rest. From my healing place - somewhere physical and mental.
As I write this post it is before 3 p.m. and here's what I've accomplished today, in no particular order: took Campbell on 3 long walks, went to the gym (bicycle for 30 minutes followed by weight training), got the Weight Watchers schedule for the State College location, went grocery shopping, sent and replied to about 5-7 wedding-related-planning emails, and uploaded pictures from my cousin Ethan's Bar Mitzvah in Virginia this past weekend. Tonight I've got the puppy trainer coming at 7:30.
Neck and upper back pain? GONE. How many Ativans have I taken today? NONE. Chest (breast cancer surgeries) pain? 2 on a scale of 1 to 10. Usually it's a 10, especially at the end of the day. So THIS is what it's like to feel physically better? Hopefully, with physical healing will come mental healing.
For the first time in a long time, as I was taking Campbell on one of his many walks earlier today (rather, PULLING him away from random dirt and rocks he was eating on the sidewalk), I felt the fresh air in my lungs and the sun on my face and I thought: this is something I can do. I felt that I could tackle this. This life. Before, every day was a struggle to wake up, survive and make it through the day. It was back-and-forth in my mind, all the time. I was fighting with myself. But today, though I'm still busy and maybe even still a little wound up, I didn't feel overwhelmed by just BEING and living. So maybe it's not about the stuff I have to do (wedding planning, physical therapy, weekend trips and events), it's about the LIFE I've created. I can still be busy while being OK. I can still be busy but have a grip on things. I can be busy but not feel like it's a struggle to just BE. (a theme in many of my posts.)
Today it wasn't a struggle for me to figure out how to BE. I was busy today. And I'll be busy tomorrow. I'll be busy for the next few weeks, months, years and for life. It's not so much about that. Because, frankly, I would turn into a sad snail if I didn't have things to do and reasons to get excited.
I think I really did figure out a way to heal. And if I can heal I can be busy and do all the things I need and want to do in life. And it won't be a struggle to do them. And it won't hurt to do them. If I can heal I can BE.
And today, I am healing. Today, I am breathing. Maybe I forgot what that was like.
*Pictures: Pink Zone and Ethan's Bar Mitzvah!