Let it be

Wow, have I really not blogged since March 7? Is is now March 22, and we're 9 (NINE!!) days away from the wedding. That number is a single-digit number for those who need a reminder. WOW. NINE. How is it only 9, yet still feels like an eternity?!
Apparently, given that I haven't blogged since March 7, I don't have much free time, despite not working. I've been feeling better physically, and there have been times in the day when I feel relaxed, if only for a few minutes or a few hours. But I'm constantly on the go and doing stuff. Because there's always stuff that needs to be done. But I've learned that's just my personality. I am a do-er and a go-er. I don't fare well lying around all day, and frankly, that's not even a possibility given that Campbell needs my attention ALL.THE.TIME. When I'm not walking him or feeding him I'm watching him or playing with him, and sometimes (just sometimes) he falls asleep on my feet and I can watch one (or two if I'm lucky) DVR'd episodes of Frasier. (make fun if you must but the show relaxes me and makes me laugh!)
So why does the wedding still feel like it's an eternity away? Because I still have worries and anxieties. Now, I believe my pre-wedding worries are a little MORE bride-to-be normal, and include (like last night) dreams there is a hurricane the weekend of my wedding, and stuff like that. About two weeks ago I dreamt our florist dropped out of our wedding and we had to find someone last minute. I'm also scared of getting the cold or flu right before. Things like that. Things I believe are normal, and are different from my previous worries of getting cancer again before the wedding. Those cancer worries haven't completely gone away, but with less than two weeks, I feel a little "safer," like my comfort zone with that has expanded a little.
As I told my psychiatrist on Tuesday, I feel like a big balloon full of marbles. The balloon started when we got engaged, and is a metaphor for our wedding planning and events of this past year. Each day it filled with one more marble. (sometimes two or three). The marbles symbolize every feeling or emotion I've had this past year, associated with both being excited about the wedding and getting married, and being torn apart by the breast cancer and the LFS diagnosis, and all the surgeries. So the balloon is filled with MANY marbles. It has kept growing and growing.
And now, I'm about to burst. The balloon is about to burst. There must be hundreds upon thousands of marbles in there. Nine days away and the balloon has hit capacity. Maybe it even hit capacity weeks ago. It feels that way anyway. It feels like SO much has gone into what will happen the weekend of March 31. So much rides on it. I want SO much for it to be here. I want SO much to marry Sean. I want SO MUCH to see, with my very eyes, what my wedding day will look like, how the planning has come together, and what I will look like as a bride. I want SO MUCH to finally feel how I'm going to feel on that day.
I go back and forth from being worried and being excited. So excited I could burst, or so worried I could burst. I want to just go along with time, and let time happen and just LET that weekend get here. If there's any proof it WILL get here, it's every single other event in life also getting here. (Pictures: from Scott and Rachel's wedding on March 17) Things happen. Time moves forward. Nine days will come and go. This wedding will be everything I've ever dreamed of and more. But most importantly, I have to let it BE WHAT IT WILL BE. Yes, I have my pre-wedding beauty and wellness plan which includes exercises and exfoliating and taking my multivitamins and all those fun things. But there's only so much you can prepare for and only so much you can do. I might have dry skin. My throat might be sore. Or I might gain a pound. Or I might not exercise for a week before the wedding. Or, despite my waxing appointment next Tuesday, I might have a few stray eyebrow hairs that come in.

So next on my agenda? In the words of The Beatles: LET IT BE.