Written on April 21, 2014

Written on April 21, 2014

My mind isn’t racing anymore. All of my stirring thoughts of planning and last-minutes are gone. I am left with only one thought: I WANT THIS MORE THAN ANYTHING ELSE IN THE ENTIRE WORLD. I don’t care about anything else. I just want this to work out.

In the ways that I could, I coped by making whatever preparations I COULD make, and that was adding unisex items to the baby registry and researching Vietnamese recipes. For when she can eat solid food. I am literally insane. I was researching recipes to make for her, when she can actually eat real foods, to honor her heritage.

Because I couldn’t tell my friends or my family. Because I couldn’t share the registry or even add girl things. Because I couldn’t plan for being off work by not scheduling assignments or interviews. Because we couldn’t make arrangements for Campbell when we’re away picking up the baby. Because we couldn’t, and still can’t do a damn thing. I researched Vietnamese recipes.

That’s what I could do.

Let me once again stress: we’ve known since April 13.And we can’t do a damn thing or tell a damn person. We just wonder and we wait.

I do what I can do. And that’s very, very little.

Preparing for a baby requires the biggest preparations of all. Yet I can’t. These past 8 days have been some of the longest of our lives.

And just like they always do, my thoughts and feelings and emotions keep shifting.

Now it just hurts. It aches. I’ve never wanted something so badly.

I’ll say it again: adoption, you are one tough cookie.

All of the little details of my world are floating above my head. Little tiny particles that are not grounded to any idea or solid plan. They are just there, floating. If I had to do this for much longer it would probably kill me.

Stomach pains late at night.

Crying on the way to work. On the way home from work.

I don’t care if I sound crazy. I don’t care if I researched Vietnamese recipes.I cope in the best way I know how.

I cope by planning. By preparing. PLANNING IS LITERALLY MY LIFE. Yet now, today, I just have to let those particles be. And let this process take its course and let go and let G-d do his work and let everything fall into place how it’s supposed to fall into place.

And finally … let this particular stone land wherever it lands.

This time I don’t have a voice.

When I want to yell the loudest. When I want to scream the loudest. When I want to cry the loudest. When I want to laugh the loudest. I don’t have a voice.