Written on April 24, 2014

Written on April 24, 2014

Birth mom is 4 cm dilated. We’ve known for 11 days.

What do you do when you can’t do anything? You look up random people’s baby registries to make sure you haven’t missed any essentials. PaciGrip? Ah, yes, I had forgotten that.

“Smith” and “Miller.” Those are the two last names I typed in when searching for random registries. I make notes, I make documents, I make lists.

The documents for after she comes and after she’s a she and after she’s ours have grown, just like these embargoed blog posts. 11 days worth of blog posts. Documents upon documents of to-be-added registry items for a baby girl. These documents, these blog posts are this boiling pot. A huge loaf of bread in the oven. Add in any other metaphor that means something about to burst. Blog posts, to-be-added items are boiling over, runneth over. Nothing to do with them but keep adding to them. Keep adding registry items. Keep writing these blog posts. Still no voice. No key to the door.

No voice to shout. No key to the door of this potential future world with potential future baby.

Just documents and words and Amazon links. Just plans I can’t yet make. Phone calls I can’t yet make. Items I can’t yet add. Posts I can’t yet publish. A baby I can’t yet hold. A feeling I have yet to feel. An emotion I have yet to experience. 4 cm. 11 days. The word “WAIT,” in all caps, in big, bold letters in a big pot of boiling water.

And we don’t even know what lies ahead. We don’t know how things will go in the hospital or even how long baby will be in the hospital.

I can’t even begin to process this process.

Just boiling water.