Written on May 12, 2014

Written on May 12, 2014

If I’m going to be honest it’s a little scary having this precious tiny creature in your arms, with you at all times during the day, and knowing you have to protect her for the rest of her life, and knowing you want to protect her for the rest of her life, and wanting nothing more in the entire universe than to protect her for the rest of her life.

A few thoughts while I have the time, before the baby starts crying again:

Walking with the baby on my chest while doing lunges gets her to stop crying. She needs to eat every two hours, like me.

I know I’m a mom because I’ve been hands-deep in Adele’s poop and I didn’t care. And I don’t care that she screams in my ears and claws at my chest and grabs my necklace. And every time I pick her up I fall more in love.

The first time she opened her eyes at me I cried because I was overcome by her beauty.

I have to type this with one finger and one hand because I’m holding Adele.

She holds her pacifier by herself.

I can’t believe I’m a mom. The words don’t come today, but they will soon.

I am adjusting now to the greatest gift and blessing. I am adjusting.

My words need to form.

Just so everyone is clear on where we are in the process: we are in the 30-day window, which ends May 31, where the birth mom can still choose to parent, thus taking away our guardianship that she signed consent for on May 1.

Then we have a few months to get through the court system (6-9 months is what the agency told us), and after we complete that part of the process, Adele will legally be ours and she will legally have our last name.

An announcement can be made after the 30 days, so on May 31. Photos (online) can be shared after she is legally ours, so not for another 6-9 months or whenever we can get through the court system. Print photos may be shared, though.

It’s all so confusing and there are so many rules, and it’s hard to continuously explain ourselves or why Adele isn’t “legally ours” yet even though she’s living with us or why we can’t email or text photos. It’s exhausting. Each adoption agency and each state has its own adoption rules and laws. We knew this going in, but it doesn’t make it any easier. Please just bear with us as we bear with ourselves during this process. We’ll get through it, but it’s not an easy one.

Trust me, there’s nothing I want more than to share with the world our beautiful daughter, the best thing that’s ever happened to us, one of G-d’s biggest and best blessings for us. But we must be patient. We signed onto this going in. We knew adoption would be patchy and rough and emotional and draining and stressful and long. But we will power through.

All the while we love Adele and we are setting up her beautiful pink and lamb nursery. And all the while we are bonding and she is growing and thriving and getting more beautiful each day.

All the while I try not to think about this current 30-day window. I try to think of the future, our future with Adele. I try not to dwell on the process, and instead revel in this new glory. This new motherhood. This new love I can’t explain. This new everything. This new life. This new reason for living.

Adoption, yes is one tough cookie. I am one tough cookie. Sean is one tough cookie. He is handling all this with such grace and dignity. He doesn’t tire or get annoyed from explaining over and over again our process. He just loves Adele with his whole being.

She is our daughter and she is our life.

I had no idea this would happen so fast. Or that I would learn so fast how to care for a newborn. As my heart grows each day I know I will find the words. Until then, let these blog posts be choppy and chaotic. Because that’s how things are right now. We are a house with a newborn. We are bustling and buying and crazy and sleep-deprived. Our “past lives” have gone out the window. We are adjusting our sails for this amazing, beautiful, wonderful, sudden blessing.

We are adjusting our sails in this choppy water. And we are doing just fine. Damn fine, actually.

Damn fine.