A body in motion

Yesterday I ran on the treadmill. Actually ran. With my expander. It was only for five minutes but it was running. And it was only the second time I'd done so since my breast cancer diagnosis. Like I've probably mentioned in previous posts, my plastic surgeon has not given me any physical limitations at this point. After a certain time period of having the expander, scar tissue forms around it, "locking" it in place and making it unlikely to move, so running is permitted. But considering walking and sneezing hurts me, I didn't think running would feel too good.
So to get my exercise I've been lifting weights, doing crunches, and when at the gym, either walking on the treadmill at an incline or riding the bike. But yesterday I was at the gym with Sean and I missed running. I had an urge to "break free" and let go. I had done my 25 minutes on the bike and was onto walking on the treadmill when I decided to give it a try. It was kind of like when I would forget about my expander and run up the stairs out of habit. Although, this time, I definitely didn't forget about my expander. I very much knew it was there. I just wanted my legs to feel free again. And it was quite amazing. Yes, it hurt. And it felt weird. I think I could feel the saline swishing inside of the expander and it felt tight and hard, and I almost felt like I had to hold onto it to keep it from moving. I could have gone so much longer had I not been in so much discomfort. I just wanted to run again, which I did, and it was cathartic.
I won't even call yesterday's trot on the treadmill a milestone. I'll call it "dealing" with my "new normals." Or, doing what I want, however unpleasant, despite my current situation.
I figure the only way to deal with and accept the expander for the next two months is to get used to it, as much as I possibly can. Sure, one can never get used to constant pain and discomfort. But if I am going to have this devil device inside of me until the end of October or beginning of November, I have to "live" with it. I've already been doing just that by going to work and making all of my social plans. Nothing has stopped. My outside life is the same. I do what I've always done. But running with with the expander was something I wanted to accomplish, because if I can run with it (the ultimate pain-inducing activitiy), I can deal with it.
On another note, I was at the dentist this morning for a regular cleaning, and at the end of the visit, scheduled my appointment for 6 months later. Six months later is ... March! And March is ... the month I'm getting married! That means time is actually moving along. When you start scheduling doctor's and other appointments around the time of your wedding that means your wedding is ON THE RADAR. People rarely schedule doctor's appointments a year or more out. But when they're 6 months out that means they're really coming up. Scheduling my next dental cleaning today for the month of the wedding was like reaching a new spot on the countdown. Like, my next dentist appointment will be the month of the wedding. It's really, really happening soon!

And, speaking of time moving forward, we had the first football game of the season this past weekend. We had a whole weekend of fun plans, actually! My uncle and cousin came in for the game. Friday night we had a wonderful dinner at Bonfatto's, followed by a trip to the Creamery. YUM! Then Saturday we were out of the house by 7 a.m. to begin tailgating. Our breakfast tailgate (done for noon games) was bagels, fruit, donuts and a cookie cake, which is still in the house and is still being eaten by me, despite my attempts to not eat it. After the game Saturday we went to Champs (an after-football-game-tradition) for an early dinner. Then we said goodbye to my family, and had some friends who came in for the game from Florida stay with us. We had a nice, relaxing evening of football watching, Shiraz drinking and iPhone game playing. Sunday Sean and I met some friends for coffee in the morning, then went to a friend's birthday party in the afternoon, and then at night went out to watch our friend perform in her band. It was their first gig and it was amazing! So much fun!
Then Monday, after the gym, we went out with some friends for burritos and margaritas to Mad Mex. Lots of fun plans, friends and family all weekend. And I'm ready for it to happen all over again this coming weekend!
We have friends or family coming in for every home game, so almost every weekend this fall our house is full, which is wonderful. Weekends without football are going to be filled with wedding planning, weekend trips, bridal showers and weddings. This fall, which is actually here now, is going to be full and fun, and full of fun. Maybe that will help pass the time until my implant surgery.
Even if I am having fun with friends, there is always a constant misery about living life currently with the expander in, and how unpleasant it is. But really, when it comes down to it, I have two choices. I can sit at home and "wait out" my time with the expander. I can sit on the couch because it's a lot less painful than going out with friends. Or, I can live my life how I normally would, had none of this happened. Yes, it hurts, but it's living. I can't exactly "wait away" this stage of my life, no matter how emotionally and physically painful and miserable it may be. Life doesn't get put on hold for this, and it shouldn't. True, I'm not going to push myself if I don't feel up to it, but I'm not going to waste away either. I'll do what I can as best as possible, all the time. So I think I'm learning that the best way to "live through" this is to do just that: live through it.