A clean bill

I had two doctor's appointments today: one with my breast surgeon as the 3-month check-up. She said everything looked good and I was expected back for my next visit (in which I'll have a clinical exam, mammogram and possibly MRI) in April! April! That's like 7 months away. That's amazing. I was expecting her to tell me to come back in December. But April! April is, as we all know by now, after the wedding! So it really, really, now, officially, now feels like I am DONE with this part - the treatment.
Then I went to my plastic surgeon's office to get my very LAST saline fill. They did 50 cc's. I'd like to believe I'm a "pro" at this by now, but I'm not. It's still painful, every day. At least the specific soreness and pain that came from today's fill should lessen over the next 2-3 days, and then I'll be left with the "usual" discomfort which I am somehow, someway, learning to live with.
My next visit to Hershey is in the beginning of October where I'll meet with my plastic surgeon to go over my implant choices. Until then I have to read a brochure about the specific implants I'm getting (silicone - or as they are called in the booklet: "memory gel") and then when I meet with him I'll have all the information to make an informed decision and sign a consent. I know it's part of the procedure, and probably some sort of law, that before anything is signed the patient has to know ALL about the implants, from the procedure to the healing to the complications, etc., and trust me, there are a lot ... A LOT of possible complications. But I am not getting these just for fun. (Although it will end up being fun, I'm sure.) I'm getting them because I lost a breast to cancer, so not having implants at the age of 26 is not.an.option.
I'm prepared for the possible complications and adverse effects of them. I'm a veteran now when it comes to bad health things happening to me. But I don't look at it that way. I look at it as this really is my only choice unless I want to live the rest of my life with one breast. And I don't. I'm prepared for this implant journey because I know the outcome will be beneficial to me.
So, if we're looking at my breast cancer timeline, which really, truly began in April, here's what's left:
1 consultation
1 surgery
That's IT! (We're hoping!) I'm still in the doubt/denial/scared/terrified/paranoid stage that something else could happen (a new breast cancer in the other breast) before the time of my next appointment, but I'm also working REALLY hard not to focus on that. I feel if we could JUST get to the wedding without any more cancer diagnosis I would be OK. You wouldn't think that's too much to ask, right? For me I feel it is.
I had an exam today with my breast surgeon on my left (unaffected) breast, and even an ultrasound but they didn't find anything "suspicious." Just fibroadnoma (spelling?) areas which apparently are normal and benign and are part of fibrosistic breast changes. Also, because I'm younger my breasts are a lot more dense (less fatty) than older women so every single teeny tiny thing shows up and is felt, and of course, my first instinct is that every teeny tiny lump or bump is cancer, no matter how small the risk. But if my doctor told me not to come back until April then I'm not going back until April. She knows more than me about this stuff, after all.
I have to admit, as much as it could have saved my life, found my cancer early and positively altered my treatment and prognosis, it is absolutely TERRIFYING to continue to do self exams. I advocate them for every woman because only a woman knows her own body the best. But finding that lump last April while doing a self exam was nothing short of traumatizing. And because doing a self exam helped my case so much I vowed to myself I'd always do them. And I believe I always will. I think after having breast cancer you can't NOT make yourself do them. But it never, ever, EVER makes it less scary, no matter what your chances are of getting breast cancer again.
My biggest fear is that I'll find something before the wedding and have to go into the doctor before the April appointment. I fear they'll want to do a biopsy. And then I fear it will be something. I know those chances are low, and I know I can't run away from my fears, which in this case would mean avoiding feeling my breasts at all costs for the rest of my life. However silly or terrible it sounds, I want a "cushion" between now and the wedding. I basically just got a clean bill of health from my doctor, and my implant surgery is forthcoming. I want a stage, of just the next 6 months, where I can focus entirely on the wedding and not be in Breast Cancer Ville.
Yes, I'm relieved today's appointment went well, and I was really relieved to hear the margins were clean. And I am extremel relieved to know that my doctor doesn't want to see me until April. But now I'm scared and feel like my health lies in my hands, which I guess it kind of always has.
The hardest part is now: do I continue to do self exams every month and possibly save my own life again, G-d forbid, should something else happen? Or do I not do self exams because my mental state is well, paranoid, and I will literally freak out about every single thing I find, whether it's cause to freak out or not. I already lost many nights of sleep and had my mind wander when it's not supposed to be wandering, because I've been thinking about breast cancer in the other breast, or if what I felt was normal, etc. I literally, and I've said this before, CAN'T LIVE LIKE THIS. In constant fear and worry, I mean. But I guess like I said before, that's no reason to completely avoid taking care of yourself. I think I need to challenge myself to find a place where I'm doing breast exams because they helped me tremendously once, but I'm only doing them once a month, and I'll try not to be scared when doing them, but I still think that's a far, far way off. I'll probably always, always be scared because I was the one (me) who found the first one. Yes, it was good and it could have really, really saved me. So how can I be mentally prepared to continue to do these exams when they are terrifying?
I've asked doctors and nurses what exactly to look for, and they all tell me the same thing: you're not necessarily looking for a lump or bump, but any type of change. Even though I know what the first cancer felt like, it doesn't make doing this any easier. I still don't know everything and am still scared.
So today there is no solution. I think I'll just be scared. And if something happens between now and the wedding, then something happens between now and the wedding. Like I said in a previous post, being scared or not scared isn't going to effect the outcome you can't control. What will happen will happen, and I just need to accept that I might be scared for a while, or forever.
But my breast cancer surgeries are over, pathology shows all cancer is out of me, so we can breathe. I just have one more surgery to go, which is cosmetic/reconstructive. I can definitely see the end of this more clearly now.
I got a clean bill of health today, and I'll take that and focus on that. I'll focus on that. One day at a time, right?