Many of my blog posts have been about my ongoing struggle to find hope and peace throughout this whole experience. And many of those posts do end on a positive, encouraging note, in which I feel I've learned something or come to some sort of conclusion. And while those posts do reflect my personal feelings and thoughts on a deeper, inner level, and while what I write is always 100 percent true to heart, I don't feel I've really touched on the physical pain I've felt since my mastectomy in May, and how it has impacted my life now.
I want to be honest with myself and my readers, and while what I write today may or may not change people's perceptions on how "strong" I am, I do want to write about it my actual physical pain because I feel it is a huge part of my daily struggle. Oftentimes, when I feel better or hopeful emotionally or mentally about this whole situation, it's the physical pain that weakens me and pushes me back down.
I want to be honest with myself and my readers, and while what I write today may or may not change people's perceptions on how "strong" I am, I do want to write about it my actual physical pain because I feel it is a huge part of my daily struggle. Oftentimes, when I feel better or hopeful emotionally or mentally about this whole situation, it's the physical pain that weakens me and pushes me back down.
There are days when I'm literally in tears in the bathroom at work because my expander is so painful. There are days when I literally scream outloud as my 45-minute drive home from work comes to an end because my back and shoulders are twisted in pain from sitting in the same position for so long, and my seatbelt has been pushing down and putting pressure on my expander.
There are nights when I wake up in the middle of the night because I'm sick of sleeping on my back since May, and when I try to sleep on the side opposite my masctectomy side, the pressure from my expander is so intense it forces me to go back to sleeping on my back.
There are days when I get home from work and have to lay flat on my back on the floor for 15 minutes just to stretch out my neck and upper back.
I literally haven't been able to move freely, or stretch, since May. And by the time my expander is out and my silicone implants are in, it will have been about 6 months since I became this restricted, unable to move my back and shoulders, unable to stretch, unable to sleep or move without pain. Six months. SIX MONTHS. When I think about it I'm furious. Furious that for 6 months I will have not really been able to MOVE.
It's hard to explain to people the constant pain I feel from having the expander in. It literally hurts when I take deep breaths, move suddenly, sneeze. Because it's so tight I can't move freely and my neck, back and shoulders have been sore and in knots since May.
I have to constantly worry about bumping it, or someone else bumping into it for fear it will burst or get ruptured. It hurts ALL THE TIME. How can I explain to people that just moving is a constant struggle. Getting in and out of cars, carrying bags, carrying anything. It always hurts, all the time.
I don't want people to feel bad for me or treat me differently or more delicately; I simply want people to understand that it has never been easy, even 3 months after my mastectomy and even after I'm all healed up. The expander is terrible, just terrible. I know it's a safe and effective method to stretch the skin and muscle to prepare it for a permanent implant. I know the purpose of it. I know it will be good for me in the end. But it's really, really terrible.
I think people (mostly people I work with) expect me to feel "back to normal" since it's been so long since my mastectomy, and I think they are assuming that because my cuts have healed I have healed. But with the expander you are never fully "healed." Your skin is literally being stretched every day. You have a device, under your skin and muscle, that is always, always, always pulling on your body. And now that I have more feeling back in that area (after the surgery I was numb for many months), I can actually FEEL the expander. It's gross and disturbing. I can feel it bend and move under my skin and it freaks me out. I try not to touch it but sometimes it's unavoidable. Imagine having a large rock attached to your chest that bumps into you when you kneel to tie your shoe. Imaging hugging people with a rock on your chest. That's the only way I can describe it. The only thing that makes it somewhat bearable is knowing it will be out in two months. When I have my implant surgery date I will REALLY be able to rest a little easier knowing that I actually have a DATE it will be removed.
I want this thing out of me NOW.
There are nights when I wake up in the middle of the night because I'm sick of sleeping on my back since May, and when I try to sleep on the side opposite my masctectomy side, the pressure from my expander is so intense it forces me to go back to sleeping on my back.
There are days when I get home from work and have to lay flat on my back on the floor for 15 minutes just to stretch out my neck and upper back.
I literally haven't been able to move freely, or stretch, since May. And by the time my expander is out and my silicone implants are in, it will have been about 6 months since I became this restricted, unable to move my back and shoulders, unable to stretch, unable to sleep or move without pain. Six months. SIX MONTHS. When I think about it I'm furious. Furious that for 6 months I will have not really been able to MOVE.
It's hard to explain to people the constant pain I feel from having the expander in. It literally hurts when I take deep breaths, move suddenly, sneeze. Because it's so tight I can't move freely and my neck, back and shoulders have been sore and in knots since May.
I have to constantly worry about bumping it, or someone else bumping into it for fear it will burst or get ruptured. It hurts ALL THE TIME. How can I explain to people that just moving is a constant struggle. Getting in and out of cars, carrying bags, carrying anything. It always hurts, all the time.
I don't want people to feel bad for me or treat me differently or more delicately; I simply want people to understand that it has never been easy, even 3 months after my mastectomy and even after I'm all healed up. The expander is terrible, just terrible. I know it's a safe and effective method to stretch the skin and muscle to prepare it for a permanent implant. I know the purpose of it. I know it will be good for me in the end. But it's really, really terrible.
I think people (mostly people I work with) expect me to feel "back to normal" since it's been so long since my mastectomy, and I think they are assuming that because my cuts have healed I have healed. But with the expander you are never fully "healed." Your skin is literally being stretched every day. You have a device, under your skin and muscle, that is always, always, always pulling on your body. And now that I have more feeling back in that area (after the surgery I was numb for many months), I can actually FEEL the expander. It's gross and disturbing. I can feel it bend and move under my skin and it freaks me out. I try not to touch it but sometimes it's unavoidable. Imagine having a large rock attached to your chest that bumps into you when you kneel to tie your shoe. Imaging hugging people with a rock on your chest. That's the only way I can describe it. The only thing that makes it somewhat bearable is knowing it will be out in two months. When I have my implant surgery date I will REALLY be able to rest a little easier knowing that I actually have a DATE it will be removed.
I want this thing out of me NOW.
Dear Marjie, I'm so sorry to hear how painful that darned expander is. I know you've told me it's awful, but I really had no idea to what extent. Just hang in there, sweetie. You are strong and don't let anyone underestimate your strength with what you have endured. I wish I could take away some of your pain. But,as you said, you are coming near the end. I hope and pray that it won't be long before you are feeling yourself again. Love you, Elaine
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