For life

Even after my reconstructive surgery is complete later this year, breast cancer still will remain a huge part of my life for a variety of reasons. It's true that my fear and anxieties may fade over time, and that my scars will eventually heal, and the physical pain from surgeries and biopsies and the expander will lesson and become more distant, but it's also true that because this has become a part of my life, it will remain a part of my life.
1. Silicone implants: They need to be replaced about every 10 years. They also need to be checked to make sure they don't rupture or leak. There's also the worry that I will develop an infection from them/my body will reject them. Sure, they will become more comfortable with time, but they are foreign devices; it's not my real body.
2. Breast cancer risk: For the rest of my life I will need to be screened carefully to make sure the breast cancer does not recur, and also to make sure I don't develop another breast cancer in my other breast. Having a personal history of breast cancer raises your risk of it coming back and also getting another, different one. I'll always be on the lookout for lumps, and while this may aid in early detection, it also may create constant fear and anxiety knowing I have one "healthy" breast left and it needs to be monitored carefully.
3. Masctectomy with lymph node removal: For the rest of my life I will need to protect my right arm (where I had lymph nodes removed) so I don't get lymphadema (essentially a lifelong condition in which your arm and hand swells). This means I shouldn't have blood drawn on that side, or needles inserted on that side, or blood pressure taken on that side. That arm needs to be protected from over-exertion, cuts, scrapes and extreme heat and cold. Extra care will need to be taken during manicures (cuticles should not be cut), and I should try to avoid hot tubs/saunas or any type of deep tissue massage. I also have to be careful about tight clothing/sleeves on that side, as well as tight jewlery (watches, bracelets, rings.) Although it hasn't yet, that arm and underarm will eventually heal and I will probably have all my mobility and strength back, but I had lymph nodes removed and that is something permament, and will require constant monitoring.
4. Lifestyle: Although every person should exercise, eat right, maintain a healthy weight and limit sun exposure, alcohol and tobacco, having had two cancers now (not that I could have prevented them), I want to do literally everything in my power to keep myself healthy and strong. I feel there's more pressure to do that now. I know a healthy lifestyle couldn't have prevented the Leukemia, and we're not sure if it could have prevented breast cancer, but that's no reason to lift up my arms in despair and be unhealthy. We all know certain health conditions CAN be prevented by living a healthy lifestyle, so shouldn't we try when we can? I should try to prevent what I can. It's no coincidence I healed like the Hulk (just made that one up now!) following both of my surgeries. I believe it was not only because I am young, but because I am healthy. I have been at a healthy weight for quite some time now, and at the time of my diagnosis I was running 5Ks and lifting weights. I still lift weights and do crunches regularly, and get to the gym when I can, whether it's walking on the treadmill or riding the bike, because I believe I need to stay strong for myself. Being healthy and strong helped me recover from my surgeries. I want to be this way forever, both to help prevent whatever illnesses I can, but also to be prepared to fight another illness (G-d forbid, of course), should I need all my strength and energy.
It's overwhelming to think how my life has, and will remain, changed because of this experience. It's daunting and exhausting to think about the screening and monitoring both tomorrow and years from now. But all of those things I listed above likely will become "new normals" for me, just like screening to check for late effects of chemotherapy in the years following my Leukemia treatment did. Although those heart tests and bone scans don't come close to having foreign objects in your body, or knowing your risk for cancer is now higher, they WILL become a part of my life. And the longer they are a part of my life, the more "normal" they will feel. It will never be pleasant, and I'm sure many, many times I will feel angry or sad that as a 26-year-old I have to worry about these things, but I'm trying to look at the big picture. The big picture, that I see now, is that I have a whole life ahead of me that is hopefully healthy and happy. The breast cancer eventually will be a thing of the past, and although much of the effects and anxieties of it will linger, I should be able to move on and put those things aside. They shouldn't run or control my life, because, after all, I didn't have any control over them. Whether it makes me feel better or worse to know that this just happened, beyond my control, doesn't matter as much as what I do with that information. I will admit that it will be a constant struggle to move on from this, when I'm ready to, and to not let fears ruin my life. The truth is: things will still happen, or not happen, regardless of your fears. Right? Having a greater fear of getting breast cancer again won't actually make, or not make, me get breast cancer again. It won't affect the outcome I cannot control. But being constantly scared WILL lower my quality of life, and we all know stress and worry is unhealthy.
I am a work in progress. I'll work on accepting these new "normals" and work on not being angry at the world that this happened to me when it did. I'll find my true compassion and love, the kind I was born with, and bring it out onto the surface as much as possible. I'll try to take my own advice and focus on what is good and beautiful in my life and in the world. Breast cancer, and what it does to women, physically and emotionally, is not good and it's not beautiful. But unfortunately, right now, we can't prevent it from happening. We can only move on and live with and work with what we have been given, and to do this, we should remind ourselves, that even if it doesn't seem like it at the time, we can find at least one thing we have that is better than we originally thought:
Like the man who thought his life was so bad because he didn't have any shoes. But then he met the man with no feet.
The goal is to be grateful for every little good thing that comes our way, and soak it all in, because if we don't enjoy the good stuff, the bad stuff still will seem so much worse.