Temporary blah

Well, I figure it's time for another update. I don't really have any idea of where this post is going, but I feel like writing so here goes:

Now I have a cold. Great. It started last night, and honestly, all day yesterday I felt fine. And I NEVER get colds. I can't even remember the last time I had one. Now really isn't the best time, ya know? But oh well.

I am physically feeling a lot better. Each day I'm in a little less pain. Yesterday Sean's parents and grandmother came up for the day to make us dinner, and then in the evening we had some friends over for a game night. It was really a lot of fun, and besides me not being able to drink wine because of all the meds I'm on, I felt pretty normal. :)

So here I am today, waiting for this cold to run its course, sitting in my pink rose silk bathrobe watching The Devil Wears Prada. If there is any day to really rest, today is the day. I'm recovering from surgery AND battling a stuffy-nosed, coughy cold.

I was feeling so good yesterday after getting back to my normal coffee consumption I started getting back on my "plan-wagon" meaning I'm calling and emailing friends and scheduling coffee dates, nights out, RSVP'ing to parties, etc. I like to have fun things on my calendar so it gives me something to look forward to, and I like imagining that two days from now, or a week from now, I'll be mostly healed and in better place -- meaning I'll have the results of this surgery, which, by the way, is driving me crazy waiting for. But I've waited once before and I'll wait again. We should know, hopefully, by Monday or Tuesday. UGhhh.

I got really down two days ago when I didn't feel up to going out quite yet and knowing I'm not back to normal yet. I know, I know, it's been only five days since the surgery, and although I like to believe I'm Superwoman and can heal like lighting, it does take time. It sucks when I can't lift weights or work out or move around like before, but I have to remind myself that this "blah" is temporary. I will heal completely from this surgery, like I did the first. Whatever comes next I'll heal from too, whether it's radiation or just re-expansion followed by my implant surgery. I also have to remember before this surgery I was out and about a lot; I was doing things all the time and making plans. Though my expander is always uncomfortable and usually painful, I was still living my life. The expander turned into more an inconvienence and less a "sentence," though sometimes I would think about how it hurt to hug people or drive or take a deep breath and then I would get sad. But it's all temporary. I guess this, too, shall pass.

I'm the kind of person who's always thinking about the next party or event I'm going to attend, what I'll wear, and what color to paint my nails. I love looking at my planner and filling the empty days with fun things. I know I'll get there soon. Sure, right now is "blah" but it won't be that way forever. I hate to say it because it's hard to convince myself of it, but I guess the bad things in life make the good things even better, or something like that. So, let me remind myself of the good things:

1. Second surgery is DONE. Now I wait.

2. There's chocolate cake in the fridge, thank you Deanna!

3. My hair is long enough to get into a pony tail now. It's messy, but it works. I have had my hair short (and adorable, I believe) since December but have just started growing it out for the wedding so I can do a dramatic up-do. Also, I missed having long hair a little.

4. My life is full of amazing, amazing, family, friends and my fiance. I have my own Army of Many.

5. I'm looking at beautiful (and pink!) flowers Sean's parents brought yesterday.

6. Most of all, this is all temporary, and maybe, just maybe, will make me a stronger, better, smarter person in the end. And if not, I already got a lot out of this experience. I know I am overwhelmingly loved, and I do believe I can amaze people with my knowledge of breast cancer types and treatment. Nobody WANTS to learn about these things by going through them, but hey, I'll take any new knowledge I can get. Right?

So yes, I just had surgery and I have a brand new cold. Yay. But soon enough the wheels of life will begin moving at a more reasonable speed soon. For now I have to rest and take care of myself.

In the words of Anne Frank:

"When there's hope, there's life. It fills us with fresh courage and makes us strong again."

That's one thing I do have: hope. Hope that this will be OK in the end. Hope that this will one day be a thing of the past. Hope that my life will go back to normal and I won't always have surgeries or be waiting for results. Hope that we won't always be waiting for the next step; instead I will be moving on from this and not always in the middle of it. Hope that there IS a light at the end of this tunnel and there ARE vines free of thorns in my path. Hope that the future holds nothing but pink roses.

I know in life bad things happen. We can't prevent certain things from happening and we surely can't predict what and when they will be. We do our best to deal with them. I know there will be future struggles and hardships ahead. That's how life is. But we can't focus on them or wait for them to happen. Don't we have to live our absolute best, right now, with what we have? Yes. So today I will live with my temporary blah, and also my hope. Tomorrow is a new day.