Where I am

Much of this breast-cancer-while-planning-a-wedding journey has been about ups and downs. I've focused on both finding and creating the "ups" - looking for the good in each situation, doing things I enjoy and making fun plans. I've also had the "downs" by default: anxiety, bad news, physical recovery, waiting, and being sad or angry or confused. I wrote in a recent post that sometimes it's hard for me to have one actual feeling or direction throughout this whole thing, and more than that, to actually name what it is; a lot of this has been about me trying to overcompensate, or that's what I think, anyway. What I mean is that I can't actually tell if when I'm excited about something I'm really excited about it, or trying to make myself more excited to overshadow whatever negative feelings I'm having. It's probably a little of both. And it's probably also because everything seems magnified right now. However, it is my natural personality to be excited (and over-excited) about little things, such as fall shopping, parties, etc. It doesn't take much for me to be in a good mood, or get in a good mood. A little coffee, some friends, some nice perfume, whatever. I can brighten myself up, and that's something I've always valued about myself. And there's absolutely nothing wrong with that. But I'm trying to figure out, almost like a brand new path to self-discovery, if there's more to me brightening myself up than meets the (my) eye. It's wonderful, especially during difficult times, to see the good and to enjoy life. I manage to do that as much as possible. And for that I am proud of myself. And I do this all the while trying to maintain my confidence, faith and compassion in the world.This is a hard topic to write about, mostly because I don't know where I'm digging, but I do love a writing and mental challenge, so I'll keep going and see where it takes me.
Here's what I have acknowledged: I have a fear of the cancer returning or getting a new cancer. But, I can't let that fear run my life. I accept that fear and have chosen to work with it. I understand it won't go away overnight, but I do have faith in myself that I can get past it. I also allow myself to have the fear magnified currently because all of this isn't over it.
I also acknowledge that my life is wonderful. I have everything I could ever want and need, and more. And I'm happy because of that.
I'm slowly learning, through this recent journey, that I can't waste my time and upset myself by focusing on the bad things that I cannot control. I can only accept them and move on, and focus on what I CAN control, which is my outlook and how I live my life. You do the best you can with what you have and know, and try not to have regrets. Holding onto pain, especially pain you couldn't control, will hold you back in life.
The "temporary blah" I wrote about last week was just that: temporary. That "blah" was a combination of me recovering from surgery, fighting a cold, and also anticipating the pathology results of the surgery. That "blah" is no more. My recovery is over, cold is gone, and I have the results. So that's something else I've realized: the sadness or pain of one day is not the sadness or pain of every day. Your "blahs" will be temporary. That's not to say you won't have more "blahs"; that's just to say that you, and life, moves on.
So far these past few paragraphs have turned into a culmination of previous posts, which is OK because what I feel and wrote about last week still very much stands. And those past posts act as pillars that hold all of this together. They are staples in this book of my journey. They are feelings and emotions I have recorded to help guide me. Maybe one day they will help guide me to a conclusion, but more than that they do something much more valuable: they just help guide me. There really is no "conclusion" because I believe we are always learning and discovering new things about ourselves and about life. At the end of most of my posts there is some sort of feeling or discovery that I have landed on; something new I learned about myself and my situation. But that is merely a guide. Each little piece will help me along the way.
So maybe it's OK that today I still don't have a feeling or direction about all this. Things are still sinking in. I still know I have more road ahead of my: more saline fills followed by a period of waiting followed by surgery followed by recovery. And then, all of that is followed by lifelong tests and scans and possibly more fear and anxiety. I think the hardest thing about all this is knowing about the road I have ahead of me, but also living life the best, and most fulfilling way possible. It's hard to be happy when this is going on, yet at the same time, I think I'm doing it because my life is so good otherwise and it doesn't take much to make me happy. Maybe that's why this is all so confusing. The path I once described as having many thorns now has less of them, and the treadmill I once described as stuck now is moving a little more. I AM moving forward, physically, mentally and emotionally. But I'm having trouble finding my "place" within myself. Who am I right now, and where am I? Am I mostly OK or mostly not OK? Because I'm having a hard time "naming" my feelings or direction, I am having a hard time "naming" myself.
Sure, I'm still me, and I am who I've always been, but am I now a little stronger or a little weaker? Am I wiser from all this, or just more confused?
As part of this journey, I understand that I don't need to have the answers to those questions right now, and they don't need a deadline either. They'll come when they come. Here's what I think: I THINK I am a little bit stronger in that I've fought cancer twice now and believe in myself even more today than I used to. I THINK I'm a little bit wiser because I know more about breast cancer and want to raise awareness, and actually do something with my knowledge and experiences.
All of these thoughts and feelings just feel overwhelming: I've still got this long road ahead of me, yet I'm also living life every day and still doing all the things I have planned: football games, weddings, parties, traveling, and planning my wedding. It's all moving along and happening, despite what and how I feel on the inside, which is sometimes strong and wise, but it's also sometimes scared and in pain.
I'm not sure if, like the others, this post will build a pillar to help guide me on this journey. It's OK if it doesn't. It's still a place where I get out my feelings and concerns which, even if it can't be a pillar, can be a small stepping stone. Sure, today I'll cross, with this post, a pond. But tomorrow I may cross a river.