My apologies for not posting in a few days! (or, nearly a week I guess)
Things have been busy. Life has been busy. Between Martini Monday, Sean's birthday dinner, football games and a wedding we went to yesterday in New Jersey for my friends Danielle and Ian (which was absolutely BEAUTIFUL!!!!-Mazel Tov to them both!), I haven't really had the time. But alas, here I am, posting.
Ever since my post about working on finding balance, I have felt a little less zig-zaggy because instead of trying to fill my calendar to the max, I'm taking the time to think about what I really want to do, and the rest I need. Because as much as having plans and having fun IS good for me, the busier I am, the more I move around, and the more I move around, the more the expander hurts. I am in the least amount of pain while I'm relaxing at home. Now I've already figured out that I need to go to work every day, and I can't sit at home all the time because it wouldn't be good for me. And, life doesn't pause because of this. That being said, it doesn't mean I have to do everything all the time. Because the truth is, when the expander hurts from rushing around all the time, I get more stressed and more depressed about being in constant pain, and stress makes it hurt even more. Stress causes the muscles around the expander to contract -- not fun or pleasant. So even just being conscious of the fact that I don't need to do everything all the time, and I need to rest in order to take care of myself, has already helped tremenously with the highs and the lows and being all over the place.
I still am keeping the plans I've already made, but instead of looking at my calendar and seeing an empty day and trying to fill it immediately, I take the time to think: would I like to relax that day? Would relaxing be good for my well-being? Would it help with my overall outlook? Yes, yes and yes. When I'm relaxed, I'm not in as much pain, and when I'm not in as much pain I am more optimistic about having the expander in for another month. And that is daunting. I know we're to the one-month-to-go countdown, but thinking that I'll have this thing inside of me for another month is exhausting and overwhelming. Previously, when I would get overwhelmed thinking about how long I'd have the expander in, I'd tell myself: one day at a time. And then my thoughts move onto something else - usually filling my calendar as a way to help get through the "one day at a time."
But now, I just tell myself "one day at a time" and work on NOT overcompensating for it. Yes, it sucks. But one day it will be out. And until then, I have to take it one day at a time. Will being busy help the days go by faster, or will it make it worse? Will I be distracted from all the pain by having plans, or will I be in more pain from running around? Both. And that's why it's been such a struggle to find a balance. I've got to get through this next month in the most balanced way I can. And trust me, it isn't easy. It's still a work in progress, but that being said, I HAVE made a lot of progress.
As hard as it is, I've got to look at the big picture. But it's hard to see the future while I have the expander in. I picture myself, in the near future, with the expander and in pain. But when I picture myself months later, like when the expander will be out and I'll have my implants, it's hard to know how I'll look and feel. Will I get used to the implants? Will I be able to run without an intense pulling feeling? Will I be able to sleep on my stomach, ever? Will I have my life back?
There was one moment (maybe even just a day's time) during a very difficult part of my Leukemia treatment when I was in the hospital. I don't remember exactly where in the 3-year-battle I was, or what the problem was, but I was feeling very sick. That day I repeatedly told my mom: "I hate my life, I hate my life." And she told me: "You don't hate your life, you hate this day."
So as sick as I was feeling and as much as I couldn't see the future very clearly, my mom told me it wasn't my LIFE that was miserable; it was this DAY. And although the circumstances very vastly, I can somehow relate that lesson to how I'm feeling today. Having the expander in since May, and knowing it will be in until the end of October, makes it very, very easy to see this as my life. But it isn't. Sure, it's not this day I hate; it's the course of a few months. But the bottom line is, no matter how many days or even months I'm miserable or in pain, it's not my life.
And that's really the best I can do right now. It's exhausting and devestating (and a million other negative words) to have this expander in and to be in constant, continious pain and discomfort. It's angering. It's tiring. I hate it. I hate these months.
Things have been busy. Life has been busy. Between Martini Monday, Sean's birthday dinner, football games and a wedding we went to yesterday in New Jersey for my friends Danielle and Ian (which was absolutely BEAUTIFUL!!!!-Mazel Tov to them both!), I haven't really had the time. But alas, here I am, posting.
Ever since my post about working on finding balance, I have felt a little less zig-zaggy because instead of trying to fill my calendar to the max, I'm taking the time to think about what I really want to do, and the rest I need. Because as much as having plans and having fun IS good for me, the busier I am, the more I move around, and the more I move around, the more the expander hurts. I am in the least amount of pain while I'm relaxing at home. Now I've already figured out that I need to go to work every day, and I can't sit at home all the time because it wouldn't be good for me. And, life doesn't pause because of this. That being said, it doesn't mean I have to do everything all the time. Because the truth is, when the expander hurts from rushing around all the time, I get more stressed and more depressed about being in constant pain, and stress makes it hurt even more. Stress causes the muscles around the expander to contract -- not fun or pleasant. So even just being conscious of the fact that I don't need to do everything all the time, and I need to rest in order to take care of myself, has already helped tremenously with the highs and the lows and being all over the place.
I still am keeping the plans I've already made, but instead of looking at my calendar and seeing an empty day and trying to fill it immediately, I take the time to think: would I like to relax that day? Would relaxing be good for my well-being? Would it help with my overall outlook? Yes, yes and yes. When I'm relaxed, I'm not in as much pain, and when I'm not in as much pain I am more optimistic about having the expander in for another month. And that is daunting. I know we're to the one-month-to-go countdown, but thinking that I'll have this thing inside of me for another month is exhausting and overwhelming. Previously, when I would get overwhelmed thinking about how long I'd have the expander in, I'd tell myself: one day at a time. And then my thoughts move onto something else - usually filling my calendar as a way to help get through the "one day at a time."
But now, I just tell myself "one day at a time" and work on NOT overcompensating for it. Yes, it sucks. But one day it will be out. And until then, I have to take it one day at a time. Will being busy help the days go by faster, or will it make it worse? Will I be distracted from all the pain by having plans, or will I be in more pain from running around? Both. And that's why it's been such a struggle to find a balance. I've got to get through this next month in the most balanced way I can. And trust me, it isn't easy. It's still a work in progress, but that being said, I HAVE made a lot of progress.
As hard as it is, I've got to look at the big picture. But it's hard to see the future while I have the expander in. I picture myself, in the near future, with the expander and in pain. But when I picture myself months later, like when the expander will be out and I'll have my implants, it's hard to know how I'll look and feel. Will I get used to the implants? Will I be able to run without an intense pulling feeling? Will I be able to sleep on my stomach, ever? Will I have my life back?
There was one moment (maybe even just a day's time) during a very difficult part of my Leukemia treatment when I was in the hospital. I don't remember exactly where in the 3-year-battle I was, or what the problem was, but I was feeling very sick. That day I repeatedly told my mom: "I hate my life, I hate my life." And she told me: "You don't hate your life, you hate this day."
So as sick as I was feeling and as much as I couldn't see the future very clearly, my mom told me it wasn't my LIFE that was miserable; it was this DAY. And although the circumstances very vastly, I can somehow relate that lesson to how I'm feeling today. Having the expander in since May, and knowing it will be in until the end of October, makes it very, very easy to see this as my life. But it isn't. Sure, it's not this day I hate; it's the course of a few months. But the bottom line is, no matter how many days or even months I'm miserable or in pain, it's not my life.
And that's really the best I can do right now. It's exhausting and devestating (and a million other negative words) to have this expander in and to be in constant, continious pain and discomfort. It's angering. It's tiring. I hate it. I hate these months.
Keep on fighting Marjie! You are so brave! I am proud and honored to have you as a friend! Even though it's hard, just know you CAN get through THIS day!
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